Archive for the ‘Grammar’ Category

I tolerate semicolons in some places—academic writing, essays, literature, or journalism. But in business documents, where they have no place, they seriously annoy me. Here’s why:

1. Semicolons are too vague, too wishy washy. All other marks are assertive and clear in how they order and clarify ideas. The semicolon, used as a soft break is more subtle, more intimate. In Semicolon Slut Dorinne Jenette writes

The semicolon is the seal, still warm, of Eros on written language. It signifies union by a grammatical invitation to intimacy; the semicolon is the shared blush of a successful seduction. As with all seductions, the relationships between clauses joined by semicolons are ambiguous; this is not the punctuation of hierarchy, but of nuance.

Okay, who can resist that? And here’s a gorgeous excerpt from Evelyn Waugh’s Brideshead Revisited:

“’I have been here before,’ I said; I had been there before; first with Sebastian more than twenty years ago on a cloudless day in June, when the ditches were white with fool’s parsley and meadowsweet and the air heavy with all the scents of summer; it was a day of peculiar splendour such as our climate affords once or twice a year, when leaf and flower and bird and sun-lit stone and shadow seem all to proclaim the glory of god; and though I had been there so often, in so many moods, it was to that first visit that my heart returned on this, my latest.”

It’s hard to imagine this passage punctuated with any other mark. Periods would be too abrupt and em dashes too perky. The semicolons give the sentence the soft dreaminess that makes it so magical.

But don’t be seduced. This kind of effect is NOT suited to business writing. Business writers are impatient and purposeful. They’re not reading for pleasure or entertainment—that’s what fiction or poetry is for. Rather, they need you to give them information so they can use it. Most business messages are clear and simple, and writers often feel a strong need to puff them up. Resist!—keep things simple, clear and plain.

2. Semicolons are old fashioned. They make me think of English manors, of lords smoking pipes and wearing smoking jackets for fun. Who wants such stodginess in their writing? Who wants to do business with such bores? Semicolon users long for the good old days, when live was gentler, slower, happier and sepia toned. This is a fantasy. Life was never better, maybe different.

3. Semicolons are not conversational. Who talks with semicolons? Maybe this point reveals my preference for American style writing, which Ian Jack of The Guardian says, “comes closer to the way people speak than British writing.” And in Pause Celebre Trevor Butterworth says that semicolon appears much more commonly in British journalism than in American. Butterworth says American prefer plainness and clarity, and believes that language should do hold up a mirror to the world. He attributes this tendency to generations brought up on the philosophy of Strunk and White and quotes Ben Yagoda saying Struck and White’s “implicit and sometimes explicit goal is a transparent prose, where the writing exists solely  to serve the meaning, and no trace of the author—no mannerisms, no voice, no individual style—should remain.”

Even without the semicolon, personality leaves its mark. With too much personality and too many semicolons, the reader gets distracted from the message. And in business writing, it’s all about the message.

3. People use them to show off. Using semicolons correctly is a bit like giving a secret handshake. If I come across one used correctly, I always tip my hat to the writer—they’re part of the same club as me. But this is snobbery, and the only benefit of being a snob is being able to elevate yourself at someone else’s expense. Good for you if you know how to use them, better if you choose not to. Kurt Vonnegut says it better than I can:

“If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. But do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”

(See more Kurt Vonnegut quotes.)

4. Hardly anyone uses them correctly. I read a lot of writing and only 10% of writers it right. (Okay, I made that statistic up, but it feels right.) Beware of Microsoft’s grammar checker—it will direct you to use semicolons in all kinds of embarrassing ways. When you use a semicolon, for your own credibility, use it correctly. If you’re not sure you’re using it correctly, avoid it.

5. They can always be avoided. It’s always gratuitous, never necessary. There is always a way to work around it with either a period, a conjunction or an em dash. The only time you ever need it is when you use it to separate items in a list when any one of the list items contains internal punctuation, such as commas. Even then, you can use a bulleted list and open punctuation.

Final words

“No semicolons. Semicolons indicate relationships that only idiots need defined by punctuation. Besides, they are ugly.”—Richard Hugo

“Let me be plain: the semi-colon is ugly, ugly as a tick on a dog’s belly. I pinch them out of my prose.”—Donald Barthelme

“They are more powerful more imposing more pretentious than a comma but they are a comma all the same. They really have within them deeply within them fundamentally within them the comma nature.”—Gertrude Stein

“I use it. I’ve no feelings about it—it’s just there. People actually get worked up about that kind of shite, do they? I don’t f***ing believe it. They should get a f***ing life or a proper job. They’ve got too much time on their hands, to think about nonsense.”—Irvine Welsh

How about you–love it? Hate it? Or maybe you’re normal and couldn’t care less.

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Do you see the ambiguity in these newspaper headlines?

McDonald’s Fries the Holy Grail for Potato Farmers

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space Craft

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Real Estate Executive Sold on City Market

Pecan Scab Disease Causing Nuts to Fall Off

Deer and Turkey Hunt for Disabled People

They work because English has so many words that function as both nouns and verbs. When you strip away unnecessary words, such as when you are writing a headline, you can expose this ambiguity. Each headline can be read in two ways. Read an interesting article about this phenomenon in the New York Times by Language Log linguist Ben Zimmer.

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Thanks to my daughter Rachel who just gave me a copy of I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar by Sharon Eliza Nichols. It’s based on the Facebook group of the same name. The group has just short of 420,000 members, who amuse themselves by posting examples of bad grammar and spelling and feel superior by ranting about them. You can check out the flavour of the group here.

Some of the images are pretty funny:

Other zingers in the book include the nursery selling “Fresh Cut Penis $7.99,” the road sign that reads “Dont’t Drink and Drive,” and some college’s “Homecoming Spirt Week” sign.

On one level, it’s fun to mock bad grammar, spelling and punctuation. It feels good to be part of the elite club that knows better. But the thing is, when you get all snobbish and judgmental it’s pretty much certain you will make your own mistakes, which is exactly what happens to Nichols—she’s gone and misspelled ACKNOWLEGMENTS in her book. And on behalf of all the people she humiliates, her mistake gives me a whole lot of pleasure.

Okay, it’s important to use standard grammar and punctuation. I make a living by teaching people how to do it correctly. I care about grammar and find language endlessly fascinating. I know how poor grammar can erode credibility and inhibit communication.  I feel frustrated when I read bad spelling in restaurant menus, on billboards and especially on expensive signage. I always wonder why they didn’t ask someone to proofread before they went to print? Part of my curse is constantly editing the world around me.

But I’ve learned to be tolerant. Sure, if you constantly confuse their/they’re/there or it’s/its I hope someone points it out because people will judge you for being sloppy, lazy and ignorant. But if you mostly get it right and make mistakes once in a while, I’ll assume you were rushed and forgive you. I’ll focus on your overall message, not on the minor mistake.

I’ve also grown more tolerant of mistakes made by writers who speak English as a second language. Consider the courage it would take to speak and write in a foreign language—consider the minefields! If my life circumstances or choices forced me to speak and write in French, Russian or Chinese I know I’d make tons of mistakes. So I feel sad when these signs are mocked—the writers are doing their best and they deserve some credit for that. Still, how hard is it to check a dictionary?

Do you think I’m getting too soft? What’s your stand on poor grammar?

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“You can be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right part of the country.” Robert Frost

I would add that you can also be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right country, one where English isn’t the first language.

If you speak and write English as a second, third or fourth language, it’s unrealistic to expect your grammar to be perfect. English is a notoriously difficult language to master—it’s hard enough for native speakers to be perfect.

It’s true that really bad grammar intrudes on a message and distracts the reader from getting the message. But we need to tolerate small mistakes, especially when the writers are ESL.

We find the ESL learners in our writing courses are often insecure about their grammar—they want to be perfect. They are also the most passionate, enthusiastic learners when we cover grammar. This is great, but grammar isn’t everything. In fact, grammar mistakes are often the least important ones writers make. I will gladly overlook small mistakes such as missing articles if you

• communicate your message clearly so I get it the first time I read it
• get to the point quickly—no rambling
• use a tone that’s friendly, concise and positive
• create a clear structure that allows me to scan your message
• anticipate all my questions and answer them
• use plain language and keep things as simple as possible

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Assure: If you assure someone that something is true or will happen, you tell them what is definitely true or will definitely happen, often to make them less worried. “Please assure Matthew that the job will be completed by the deadline.”

Ensure: To ensure that something happens means to make certain it happens. “Her reputation was enough to ensure that she was always welcome.”

Insure: Insure is a financial transaction where you pay money to a company so that if property is lost, stolen or damaged, that company will pay you a sum of money or replace the property. “Insure your baggage before you leave home.”

These words are interrelated in complex and interesting ways. For instance, in American English, ensure is often spelled insure and the two words can be interchanged.

Also, assure and insure are closely related. Fowler’s Modern English Usage explains that in traditional British usage one insures against something and is assured of it. Hence Life Assurance applies to where a definite sum is a certainty on maturity or death, and Term Insurance is where what’s covered is the risk of the insured dying within a specified period, with no benefit payable if he or she survives it. The Canadian Life and Health Insurance Association explains that Assurance companies generally have a British origin, while Insurance is accepted as common Canadian usage in the industry.

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Q: My English teacher taught me never to begin sentences with ‘because,’ ‘and,’ or ‘but.’ Does this rule still hold, or is it out of date?

A: This has actually never been a rule. It’s possible teachers strongly discourage starting sentences with subordinate conjunctions such as ‘because’ since these words often seduce students into writing fragments-more specifically subordinate clause fragments. These fragments are hard to spot because they contain both a subject and a verb. Some English teachers may have extended this bad advice about starting sentences with subordinate conjunctions to starting with coordinate conjunctions such as ‘and’ or ‘but.’

Incorrect: John stopped seeing Mary. Because he wanted to keep his promises to his wife.

Correct: John stopped seeing Mary because he wanted to keep his promises to his wife.

Correct: Because he wanted to keep his promises to his wife, John stopped seeing Mary.

As long as your sentence is a sentence, and not a sentence fragment, it’s okay to start with ‘and,’ ‘but’ or ‘because.’ And in some circumstances, a sentence fragment is very effective. Teaching students never to begin with a conjunction is pure ignorance or laziness. It disrespects them, confuses them and robs them of stylistic options.

So use your judgment, and when you think it adds value to your message, go ahead and start your sentence with a conjunction.

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One of my readers sent the following email in response to last month’s Help or Assist?:

“Your use of the words ’secondly’ and ‘thirdly’ makes me cringe. Your writing was the last place I expected to see this.”

I did indeed write First of all, Secondly, Thirdly and Finally. But is my reader upset because I used secondly and thirdly (formal, old fashioned?) or because I abandoned parallel structure and didn’t use firstly?

Funny thing is I never use firstly, yet I’m comfortable using secondly and so on. Mainly I do that because I would speak that way. Secondly (ha) because it’s a perverse little nod to something odd and funny I read years ago in Fowler’s Modern English Usage. Fowler has this to say:

“First(ly), secondly, lastly. The preference for first over firstly is one of the harmless pedantries in which those who like oddities because they are odd are free to indulge, provided that they abstain from censuring those who do not share the liking. It is true that the Prayer Book, in enumerating the causes for which matrimony was ordained, introduces them with Firstly, Secondly, Thirdly; it is true that De Quincey labels it ‘your ridiculous and most pedantic neologism of firstly“; but the boot is on the other leg now. It is the pedant that begins his list with first; no one does so by the light of nature; it an artificialism. Idioms grow old like other things, and the idiom-book of a century hence will probably not even mention first, secondly.”

This extract from Webster’s Dictionary of Usage explains that in Fowler’s time, firstly was new and controversial. Thanks to him, it became acceptable usage. But while modern commentators admit that firstly is acceptable, they still prefer first because it is shorter and the more common word. Firstly is rarely used except to begin a list and is more British than American.

Today,  it is well established that either first or firstly can be used to begin an enumeration: Our objectives are, first (or firstly), to recover from last year’s slump. Any succeeding items should be introduced by words parallel to the form that is chosen, as in first . . . second . . . third or firstly . . . secondly . . . thirdly.

But Webster’s Usage cites many instances of inconsistency, and concludes with this advice: “…while we do not suggest you be purposely inconsistent, it does appear that consistency in this specific usage has not always had a particularly high regard with good writers.”

I use first because firstly seems antique. I know I’d never say it. But I would say secondly and thirdly, and that’s why I use them in my writing. From now on, though I resolve to use First, Second, Third. Better still, I’ll try to use a numbered list.

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“God is a verb.” Buckminister Fuller

Verbs are our favourite part of speech. They are action words—the heartbeat of language.

In the business writing we review, we notice that many people overcomplicate or misuse verb tenses. The tense of a verb places the action at a particular time, and it’s important to be precise. To refresh your memory, here’s a review of the main tenses.

Simple Present: expresses daily habits or usual activities. I eat lunch.

Present Perfect: is used to describe an action that started in the past and continues to the present moment, or an action that was finished at some earlier time. I have eaten lunch.

Present Progressive: expresses an activity that is in progress right now.
I am eating lunch.

Simple Past: is used to refer to events that began and ended in the past.
I ate lunch.

Past Perfect: this is a double past tense—expressing an event that happened before another past event. I had already eaten lunch when I saw your invitation.

Past Progressive: expresses an activity that was in progress at a point of time in the past. I was eating lunch when you called.

Simple Future: expresses something that will happen in the future. I will eat lunch.

Future Perfect: expresses an action finished before a specific time in the future. By 2 pm, I will have eaten lunch.

Future Progressive: expresses something that will be in progress at a point of time in the future. I expect to be eating lunch when you call.

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Like a cigarette should? or As a cigarette should?

The question is, can like be a conjunction? According to strict traditionalists, like is never a conjunction and it is always wrong to use like instead of as or as if.

In 1954, when the Winston commercial came out, many people became aware of the two options. Prescriptivists criticized the ad for its usage, claiming the as or as if construction was more proper. During the campaign’s long run in the media, many criticized the slogan as ungrammatical and claimed it should say, “Winston tastes good as a cigarette should.” The Wikipedia entry on this topic reports that Ogden Nash, in The New Yorker, published a poem that ran “Like goes Madison Avenue, like so goes the nation.” And Walter Cronkite, then hosting The Morning Show, refused to say the line as written and an announcer was used instead.

Then, in the fall of 1961, a small furor enveloped the literary and journalistic communities when Merriam-Webster published its Third New International Dictionary. In the dictionary, the editors refused to condemn the use of like as a conjunction, and cited “Winston tastes good like a cigarette should” as an example of popular colloquial use. After publication of Webster’s Third, The New York Times called the edition “bolshevik,” and the Chicago Daily News wrote that the transgression signified “a general decay in values.”

Winston countered with another ad, featuring a woman with greying hair in a bun who insists that the slogan ought to be “Winston tastes good as a cigarette should” and is shouted down by happy cigarette smokers asking “What do you want — good grammar or good taste?”

Certainly this controversy didn’t hurt cigarette sales. Malcolm Gladwell in The Tipping Point, says that this ungrammatical and provocative use of like instead of as created a minor sensation in 1954 and implies that the phrase itself was responsible for vaulting the brand to second place in the U.S. market. Winston overtook Pall Mall cigarettes as the #1 cigarette in the United States in 1966, while the advertising campaign continued to make an impression on the mass media.

We’re seeing the same kind of controversy today over the commercial: You don’t drive like her so why are you paying the same insurance premiums as her? Read our post about this. We’ll see if grammatical controversy can be as good for car insurance sales as it was for cigarette sales.

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Question: Peter Cross, from Taylor Leibow, sent me the following email:

“My mother’s family were very concerned about using correct grammar.  Short of knowing (remembering) the rules, I use some guidelines they gave to help me.

“When people say “give it to him and I, they should simply think what it sounds like if you drop out the “him and.”  Clearly we wouldn’t say give it to I.  Likewise, we shouldn’t say “give it to him and I”.

“A trickier issue for me – There is currently an advertisement on TV that goes something like this: “You don’t drive like her, why should you pay the same insurance premiums she pays.”  My “rule” says that if you extend the sentence to say what is understood, correct use of words will become apparent.  So, the sentence becomes “You don’t drive like she drives….”  According to my rule, the advertisement should say “you don’t drive like she….”  To me that clearly sounds awkward and incorrect.  Is my rule wrong?”

Answer: This is a great question that raises all kinds of fun grammatical and stylistic controversies. First of all, the advertisement in question is “You don’t drive like her so why are you paying the same insurance premiums as her?” It’s from a commercial for Trafalgar Insurance as part of the Grey Power campaign.

There are two ways to analyze this grammatically: first, by assuming like and as are used as conjunctions, and second, by assuming like and as are used as prepositions.

Like and As as Conjunctions: If these words are conjunctions, they function by joining things that balance, such as two clauses. This means you’d need to extend the idea on both sides of the conjunction, so the sentence in question becomes “You don’t drive like her (drives), so why are you paying the same insurance premiums as her (pays)?” Clearly wrong. If these words are conjunctions, we’d instead use the subject case of the pronoun (she instead of her): You don’t drive like she (drives) so why are you paying the same insurance premiums as she (pays)? But “You don’t drive like she so why are you paying the same insurance premiums as she?” sounds wrong to our ears, even though we can see the grammatical logic.

Like and As as Prepositions: As prepositions, these words show the relationship between things. In this case, we’d choose the object case of the pronoun (her instead of she): You would say “I live beside her” or “I am like her.” By extension, “You don’t drive like her so why are you paying the same insurance premiums as her?” makes sense.

But Can Like and As Actually Be Prepositions? This is the real question and the source of the controversy. For strict traditionalists, as is a conjunction—not a preposition—and the personal pronoun that follows must be the subject of a clause, which isn’t necessarily completed. Thus “No one could be as happy as I (can be happy).” or “I can’t handle stress as well as she (can handle stress).” To most of us, this sounds odd.

Further, strict traditionalists do not consider like to be a conjunction at all, and its appropriateness is still disputed. In some circles it is considered a faux pas to use like instead of as or as if, whereas in other circles (the vast majority of circles) as sounds stilted. Read about the controversy caused by the famous jingle: Winston Tastes Good Like a Cigarette Should.

Other grammarians have argued, however, that these words often function as prepositions, not conjunctions, and have been used that way for centuries by many good writers. In a structure such as “My mother is a lot like her,” we have no trouble recognizing that like functions as a preposition and we need the object form of the pronoun after it. Such usage is now regarded as acceptable in all but the most formal writing.

So what’s right? That depends on whether you want to be understood or get good marks in a test. If your purpose is to make a grammatical point, then use she. I promise you will alienate 98% of your readers. (There I go, making up statistics again.) Using extremely formal grammar might be correct, but it isn’t necessarily right. I say use her—it’s good common usage and it’s understood by all. The thing is to know the rules, and then break them if you have a good reason. Don’t you think making an emotional connection with your audience is an excellent reason to sacrifice grammatical purity?

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