Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” –  George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” –  Winston Churchill, in response.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli ,  ”whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” –  Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” –  Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”  Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” –  William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” –  Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” –  Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”     -  Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” –  Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” –  John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”     -  Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”     -  Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” –  Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” –   Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” –  Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”  –  Mark Twain

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”    -  Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” –  Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” –   Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”  Groucho Marx

I just got back from a Thanksgiving weekend visit to New York and stayed at the historic Algonquin Hotel. It’s most famous for being the place where members of the Algonquin round table met each day for lunch from 1919 to 1929 or so.

Aside from its great location and historic charm, the hotel had other fun features--wall paper that was covered with New Yorker cartoons and quotes and anecdotes on the door of each room. It was fun just prowling the corridors to read the doors and wallpaper. The front desk didn't have a list of the door quotes, but I found a few other good ones for you online. Check out the links to the writers'  bios--this is a pretty interesting group. I especially enjoyed reading about Dorothy Parker. You'll also probably notice that I like her quotes best too:

Robert Sherwood, reviewing cowboy hero Tom Mix: “They say he rides as if he’s part of the horse, but they don’t say which part.”

George S. Kaufman: Once when asked by a press agent, “How do I get my leading lady’s name into your newspaper?” Kaufman replied, “Shoot her.”

Heywood Broun: "The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but that he almost wins."

Broun: "I doubt whether the world holds for any one a more soul-stirring surprise than the first adventure with ice-cream."

Broun: "Sports do not build character. They reveal it."

Broun: "The tragedy of life is not that man loses but that he almost wins."

Robert Benchley: "A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Benchley: "I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine."

Benchley: "I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author."

Benchley: "I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."

Dorothy Parker: “That woman speaks eighteen languages and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.”

Parker: "Four be the things I’d have been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt."

Parker: "I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."

Parker: "Take care of luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves."

Parker: "The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed."

Parker: "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

Parker:

"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under my host."

Parker: "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

When asked to use the word horticulture during a game of Can-You-Give-Me-A-Sentence, Parker replied: You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

Of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, Parker said: “This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force

Parker: "Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

Which one do you like best?

“I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.”

“I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.”

“You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.”

“Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.”

“I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.”

“Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.”

“The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’” (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

“Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.”

“Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.”

“Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.”

“I’ve run away to join a different circus.”

“I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’”

Ever feel like there’s a disconnect when you speak to one of your technical colleagues? You might be speaking a different language. Here are some translations of technical talk I found on the PLAIN website.

1. A number of different approaches is being tried—We are still clueless.

2. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem—We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. Close project coordination—We know who to blame.

4. Major technological breakthrough—It works only so so, but looks very hi-tech.

5. Customer satisfaction is assured—We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy just to get it delivered.

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive —The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. Test results were extremely gratifying—We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned—The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. It’s in process—It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. We will look into it—Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. Please note and initial—Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking—We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.

13. Give us your interpretation—I can’t wait to hear this nonsense!

14. See me or let’s discuss—Come into my office, I’m lonely.

15. All new—Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. Rugged—Too darn heavy to lift!

17. Lightweight—Lighter than rugged.

18. Years of development—One finally worked.

19. Energy saving—Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. Low maintenance—Impossible to fix if broken.

“If you don’t find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.” Sear, Roebuck and Co Consumer’s Guide, 1897

“Next to doing the right thing, the most important thing is letting people know you’re doing the right thing.” John D. Rockefeller

“No matter what your product is, you are ultimately in the education business. Your customers need to be constantly educated about the many advantages of doing business with you, trained to use your products more effectively, and taught how to make never-ending improvement in their lives.” Robert G. Allen

“God help us if we ever take the theater out of the auction business or anything else. It would be an awfully boring world.” A. Alfred Taubaum

“Of course you sell candidates for political office the same way you sell soap or sealing wax or whatever; because, when you get right down to it, that’s the only way anything is sold.” Sid Bernstein

“Everyone lives by selling something.” Robert Louis Stevenson

“There is more similarity in the marketing challenge of selling a precious painting by Degas and a frosted mug of root beer than you ever thought possible.” A. Alfred Taubman

“The spectator-buyer is meant to envy herself as she will become if she buys the product. She is meant to imagine herself transformed by the product into an object of envy for others, an envy which will then justify her loving herself. One could put this another way: the publicity image steals her love of herself as she is, and offers it back to her for the price of the product.” John Berger

“We’re not in the hamburger business, we’re in show business.” Ray Kroc

“Marketing is not only much broader than selling, it is not a specialized activity at all. It encompasses the entire business. It is the whole business seen from the point of view of the final result, that is, from the customer’s point of view. Concern and responsibility for marketing must therefore permeate all areas of the enterprise.” Peter Drucker

“Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” P.J. O’Rourke

“Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.” Robert Heinlein

“Always do what you are afraid to do.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty.” David Corrado

“Never assume the obvious is true.” William Safire

“Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.” Tom Stoppard

“Never eat more than you can lift.” Miss Piggy

”Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.” Robert Louis Stevenson

“Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” Elbert Hubbard

“Don’t do drugs, because if you do drugs, you’ll go to prison and drugs are really expensive in prison.” John Hardwick

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that fear has no power and you are free.” Jim Morrison

“If something goes wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.” Mary Hemingway

“A good scare is worth more than good advice.” Edgar Watson Howe

Here’s a poem from 1860. I found it at About.com (great site for language lovers). This shows that writers were playing with language long before text messaging made it fashionable.

Essay to Miss Catharine Jay

An S A now I mean 2 write
2 U sweet K T J,
The girl without a ||,
The belle of U T K.

I 1 der if U got that 1
I wrote 2 U B 4
I sailed in the R K D A,
And sent by L N Moore. . . .

This S A, until U I C
I pray U 2 X Q’s
And do not burn in F E G
My young and wayward muse.

Now fare U well, dear K T J,
I trust that U R true–
When this U C, then you can say,
An S A I O U.
(Charles Carroll Bombaugh, Gleanings From the Harvest-Fields of Literature, Science and Art: A Melange of Excerpta, Curious, Humorous, and Instructive, 2nd ed. Baltimore: T. Newton Kurtz, 1860)

…the Internet these days. A friend sent me these and if you haven’t seen them yet, you’ll find them amusing. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. Some examples:

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Thanks to my friend Michele Rosen.

Enjoy this wonderful typographical animation by Matt Rogers of Stephen Fry‘s ramble on language.

The only good thing you can say about democracy is that all other systems are worse. —Winston Churchill.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.—Mark Twain

Forty is the old age of youth, fifty the youth of old age.—Victor  Hugo

It takes a long time to become young. —Pablo Picasso

Democracy is a system of government where you can say what you think, even if you don’t think. —Unknown

If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don’t need advice.—Van Roy

Traditionalists are pessimists about the future and optimists about the past.—Lewis Mumford

Not faith, but doubt, is what gets you an education.—William Mizner

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.—Albert Schweitzer

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.—Oscar Wilde

The bitterness of poor quality lingers long after the sweetness of cheap price is forgotten.—John Forsyth

The man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.—Thoreau

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.—Clarence Darrow

Life would be infinitely happier if we could be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.—Mark Twain

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.—William James