Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Colette (1873 – 1954) was a gifted and prolific French author who, er, made history. She’s best known in North America for having written Gigi, which was made into a movie starring Maurice Chevalier and Leslie Caron. Some of her other great books are Chéri, The Last of Chéri, and The Vagabond. Here are some of her bons mots:

Be happy. It’s one way of being wise.

Give me a dozen such heartbreaks, if that would help me lose a couple of pounds.

I love my past. I love my present. I am not ashamed of what I have had, and I am not sad because I no longer have it.

If I can’t have too many truffles, I’ll do without truffles.

Look for a long time at what pleases you, and a longer time at what pains you.

The faults of husbands are often caused by the excess virtues of their wives.

What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.

You must not pity me because my sixtieth year finds me still astonished. To be astonished is one of the surest ways of not growing old too quickly.

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.

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In this charming book, Tony Thorne presents linguistic curiosities—buzzwords, jargon and slang—for their formal inventiveness and wit, and for the new attitudes and concepts they embody. Here are some of our favourite entries:

Adhocracy: improvised decision making

Al desko: eating at your workstation

Caving: leading a reclusive existence at home

Dashboard dining: eating while inside a car

Decruitment: laying off employees

Deskfast: breakfast eaten at your workstation

Jitterati: those rendered nervous or insecure by involvement with electronic communications

Open kimono philosophy: a policy of transparency

Puckered-ups: sycophants

Worklessness: unemployment, redundancy

Shoot the puppy: to do the unthinkable, take extreme action and/or terminate an unacceptable situation

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These words for tunes-that-get-stuck-in-your-head are from Jane Farrow’s Wanted Words, a sweet little collection of neologisms from a CBC radio show.

aneurhythm

adnausehum

eternatune

glusic

humclinger

inbrained melody

insongnia

malodee

melodhesive

melotinous

mustick

obsessong

songstruck

stuccato

tunejam

Here are some melodies that are notorious for getting stuck (read at your own risk!):

• Monday, Monday—Mamas and Papas
• Stayin’ Alive—Bee Gees
• New York, New York—Frank Sinatra
• Pink Panther Theme—Henry Mancini
• Maggie May—Rod Stewart
• American Pie—Don McLean
• Feelings—Morris Albert
• Both Sides Now—Joni Mitchell
• Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head—B. J. Thomas

And I’m a bit embarrassed to report that I’m Just a Love Machine by the Miracles has been stuck in my head for the past three days.

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To create a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from each of the three columns below. For added authenticity, preface your insult with ‘Thou.’

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A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major corporations asking for stories of unusual behaviour by job applicants revealed the following low lights:

“…stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

“She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

“A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to my office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

“…asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

“Stated that if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

“Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

“…pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

“Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

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Concrete company: We dry harder

Podiatrist: Time wounds all heels

Pastry shop: Get your buns in here

Septic services: We’re number 1 in the number 2 business

Window cleaner: Your pane is our pleasure

Restaurant: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up

Chimney sweep: We kick ash

Trash service: Satisfaction guaranteed or double your
trash back

Auto body shop: May we have the next dents?

Plumber: A good flush beats a full house

Vacuum cleaners: Business sucks

Massage studio: It’s great to be kneaded

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With two teenage sons, I’ve learned to love The Simpsons. Here are some of Homer’s best lines:

“When a woman says nothing’s wrong, it means everything’s wrong. When a woman says everything’s wrong, it means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says that something isn’t funny, you’d better not laugh.”

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.”

“With $10,000 we’d be millionaires!”

“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.”

“The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

“I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!”

“Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill a Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight into how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does that do me?”

“If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

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Who would have thought that a book on punctuation could become a bestseller? It happened to Lynne Truss, whose book Eats, Shoots and Leaves shot to the bestseller list first in England, then in North America. If you haven’t read it yet, you should.

I just reread it and enjoyed it so much, I thought I’d share some of my favourite bits.

On being a punctuation stickler
To those who care about punctuation, a sentence such as “Thank God its Friday” (without the apostrophe) rouses feelings not only of despair but of violence. The confusion of the possessive “its” (no apostrophe) with the contractive it’s (with apostrophe) is the unequivocal signal of illiteracy and sets off a simple Pavlovian “kill” response in the average stickler.

On the exclamation mark
In the family of punctuation, where the full stop is daddy and the comma is mummy, and the semi-colon quietly practices the piano with crossed hands, the exclamation mark is the big attention-deficit brother who gets over-excited and breaks things and laughs too loudly.

On overusing commas
Nowadays the fashion is against grammatical fussiness. A passage peppered with commas-which in the past would have indicated painstaking and authoritative editorial attention-smacks simply of no backbone. People who put in all the commas betray themselves as moral weaklings with empty lives and out-of-date reference books.

On the ellipsis
I recently heard of someone studying the ellipsis (or three dots) for a PhD. And, I have to say, I was horrified. The ellipsis is the black hole of the punctuation universe, surely, into which no right-minded person would willingly be sucked for three years, with no guarantee of a job at the end.

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Benign: What you be after you be eight

Cesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Coma: A punctuation mark

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker than someone else

Fibula: A small lie

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: I knew it

Rectum: Darn near killed him

Seizure: Roman emperor

Urine: Opposite of you’re out

Artery: The study of paintings

Thank you, Christine McCartney, for sending us these.

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In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Notice in a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work.)

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