Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

The Washington Post organizes a contest in which readers are asked to supply new meanings for old words. Here are some winning entries:

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Samuel Goldwyn will be remembered both for his contribution to Hollywood as a legendary producer and for his delightful mangling of the English language. Here are some of our favourite Goldwynisms:

I’ll give you a definite maybe.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.

I may not always be right, but I’m never wrong.

Include me out.

I never liked you, and I always will.

Don’t talk to me while I’m interrupting.

The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.

Tell me, how do you love my pictures?

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

Color television! Bah, I won’t believe it until I see it in black and white.

We want a story that starts out with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Let’s have some new clichés.

These job descriptions from a recruiting firm are so bloated with buzzwords and clichés that they made me laugh—until I realized they were written without irony. Seems our work will never end.

Chief Technical Officer
Define a prescient, robust and deft technology strategy for a public company with a decidedly entrepreneurial edge. You’ll assess what lies over the technological horizon and spearhead change as you assemble the human and physical assets that underpin every great technology company.

Regional Sales Manager
Mastermind sales strategies and apply a mix of field, corporate and third-party resources as you close significant deals for a global performance management solution provider.

Director, Project Management Office
Build and manage the Project Management Office Team as you take responsibility for the execution of the company’s project management activities, proposal process, and strategic direction of Client Services. Develop best practices in the management, scoping, planning, controlling, and fulfillment of all customer specific solution development and implementation projects.

Director of Engineering
Shape the company’s direction as you work across a spectrum of web and database technologies. Strike a delicate balance between the demands of a robust, end-to-end provisioning platform and an agile, solution-agnostic environment.

Marketing Manager
This is a strategic and analytical marketing role that will see you pull dozens of levers and collaborate on sophisticated and metricised initiatives.

Director, Business Development
Reach across a massive and flourishing industry as you prospect partnership opportunities. Working with the VP Business Development, you’ll pour over industry trends, define sales strategies and build high-level relationships.

Senior Manager, Partner Sales
Be the prime point of contact for partners and ensure the successful outcome of all partner related activity.

We enjoy the creative mangling of the English language, especially by such masters as Yogi Berra, the great Yankee catcher. Here are some of our favourites:

Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.

If people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop ‘em.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

I want to thank all the people who made this night necessary.

Half the lies they tell me aren’t true.

On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee Stadium: “Because it gets late early.”

Ninety-percent of this game is half mental.

Why don’t you pair ‘em up in three’s?

No wonder nobody comes here — it’s too crowded.

New York Magazine ran a contest for people with silver tongues and a command of foreign languages. The rules were to take any well-known phrase in a foreign language, change just a single letter and then provide a definition for the new expression. Thank you, Jennifer Fisher, for sending us these. Here are some of our favourites:

Harlez vous francais?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

Idios Amigos
We’re wild and crazy guys.

Cogito, eggo sum
I think. Therefore, I am a waffle.

Respondez s’il vous plaid
Honk if you’re Scottish.

Le roi est mort. Jive le roi
The king is dead. No kidding.

Monage a trois
I am three years old.

These sentences were written by Catholic school kids. They are answers to questions about the Bible—typos and Freudian slips included.

“Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.”

“The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.”

“Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.”

“Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.”

“The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.”

“The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.”

“The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.”

“David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.”

“Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.”

“It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.”

“St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”

“Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.”