Archive for the ‘Writing Contests’ Category

This email is sick, and not in a good way. Its tone does nothing to encourage my compliance. Instead it makes me angry. Try rewriting it—make it positive, reader centred, friendly and persuasive.

Subject: Portable Signs

As you are all aware, portable signs are becoming the norm, yet this act stands in blatant contravention of the lease agreement. We are no longer willing to turn a bind eye to this total disregard of the rules and regulations set by the landlord.

We ask that all illegal signs be removed by September 15, 2010. Be aware that any signs found on the property after this date will be removed. All costs incurred in this exercise will be for the account of the offending party.

If you require a portable sign in the future, please contact Phil Roche at 555-1212. Phil will approve signs for a maximum period of two weeks. We remind all tenants that signage is still available on the building pylon sign.

Send your rewrite directly to me by email to jody@brunerbiz.com.

Good luck!

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February’s contest was a tough one—rewriting a ridiculously legalistic agreement in plain language

The winners are Kathy Ward AND Jennifer Ross.

I like Kathy’s entry because she uses plain language so well. Notice her use of personal pronouns, which makes the document so easy to read. Here’s Kathy’s entry:

Laboratory Service Agreement

August 19, 2009

Dear Testing Services Laboratory (TSL),

Thank you for agreeing to complete the x, y and z tests for the XXX project between September 1 and December 31, 2009.

Please deliver all the vitamin samples to us for analysis. We will measure them and forward the results to you within five working days.

We will pay you $4,500.00 for set up and then $19.00 per study subject after the first visit. You can expect your first payment within 30 days and then we will make quarterly payments within 30 days of receiving each invoice (December 1, 2009; March 1, 2010; June 1, 2010; September 1, 2010; and December 1, 2010).

If there is any delay in the project, it should not be longer than 60 days. To reconcile any costs due to a delay, please send us a final invoice within seven days after the project is complete, which we will pay within 30 days.

Sincerely,

Healthy Pathways Hospital

Jennifer Ross, the co-winner, did a great job of simplifying the document while keeping all the detail. Her use of lists makes the key information stand out so both parties can clearly see what they are agreeing to.

Laboratory service agreement between Health Pathways Hospital (HPH) and Testing Services Laboratory (TSL), August 19, 2010.

HPH and TSL agree that

• TSL will perform the tests X, Y and Z (see schedule A) for HPH’s YYY Project.
• The project will begin September 1, 2009 and end December 31, 2009 [2010??]. If a delay is necessary, it will not exceed 60 days.
• TLS will deliver the samples to HPH for vitamin analysis. TLS will perform the analysis and forward the results to TLS within five working days.

HPH agrees to pay TSLs

• a setup fee of $4,500 for the assay of ZZZ, payable within 30 days of the agreement completion.
• quarterly payments for measuring ZZZ after HPH completes visit one, at a rate of $19 per study. The payments must be made within 30 days of the following dates: December 1, 2010, March 1, 2010, June 1, 2010, September 1, 2010 and December 1, 2010.
• a reconciliation fee if there is a delay in the project from December 2009 to December 2010. TLS will provide HPH with the invoice within seven days of project completion. HPH must pay the invoice within 30 days.

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Here’s an excerpt from a writing sample I found in my archives. It’s ridiculously complex. See if you edit out the legalese and make it plain, concise and easy to understand. Oh, and feel free to take liberties with the content. You’ll find that underneath all the legalese, the grammar doesn’t quite hold together. Either post your rewrite in the Comments section below, OR send your revision to me by email–jody@brunerbiz.com. I’ll post the best entries–good luck!

Laboratory Service Agreement

This agreement made as of the 19th day of August, 2009

Between Healthy Pathways Hospital (hereinafter referred to as Healthy Pathways) and Testing Services Laboratory (herein after referred to as TSL).

WHEREAS Healthy Pathways is desirous to retain and appoint TSL to perform the tests of X, Y, Z (which is more particularly described in attached Schedule A) on the “PROJECT” namely, YYY.

The PROJECT shall commence on September 1, 2009 and complete on December 31, 2009. Both parties agree that in event of delay of the PROJECT is necessary, the said delay shall not be exceeding sixty (60) calendar days.

Healthy Pathways shall be responsible for the measurements of vitamins. Both parties agree that TLS shall deliver all the samples for vitamin analysis to Healthy Pathways. Upon receipt of the said samples from TLS, Healthy Pathways shall forward the results to TLS within five (5) working days.

Healthy Pathways hereby covenants and agrees to pay TLS the service fees as follows:

(a) The setup fee for the assay of ZZZ, in the amount of FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS ($4,500.00) within thirty (30) days after the execution of this agreement.

(b) Healthy Pathways shall make quarterly payment to TLS within thirty (30) calendar days upon receipt of invoice from TLS, for the measurement of ZZZ in the amount of NINETEEN DOLLARS ($19.00) per study subject after completing visit 1.

Quarterly payment shall be defined as December 1, 2009; March 1, 2010; June 1; 2010; September 1, 2010 and December 1, 2010. With respect to services performed for the period from December 2009 to December 2010, and in the event of delay of the PROJECT, TLS whall issue a reconciliation invoice to Healthy Pathways within seven (7) calendar days after completion of the PROJECT, and Healthy Pathways shall make payment to TLS within thirty (30) calendar days.

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Thanks to everyone who entered the contest. You all got some of the answers right. Congratulations to the winners, who got ALL the answers right:

• Melanie Mohan Senior Coordinator, Registrar’s Office, The Institute of Chartered Accountants of Ontario www.icao.on.ca
  
• Sonia Gluppe, Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, Project Coordinator/Team Lead
• Burl Levine, freelance writer/editor/tutor, levines.inklings@sympatico.ca

Answers

Here are the sentences with punctuation in all the proper places:

1. Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember. –Oscar Levant
2. I never voted for anyone; I always voted against. W.C. Fields
3. It is forbidden to kill; therefore, all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. Voltaire
4. To say that we have a clear conscience is to utter a solecism; had we never sinned, we should have had no conscience. –Thomas Carlyle
5. Genius consists in a carefully trained, highly polished ability; a thoughtfully educated, unbiased good taste; and a willingness to engage in, and a persistence to do hard work.
6. First prize was given to Jane Smervitz, Peoria, Illinois; second prize to Sam Frimpson, Duluth, Minnesota; third prize to Amber Ambleton, Oxnard, California.
7. This project appears to be overwhelming; nevertheless, it can be done.
8. The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible. –Bertrand Russell
9. There were other factors too: the deadly tedium of small-town life, where any change was a relief; the nature of current Protestant theology, rooted in Fundamentalism and hot with bigotry; and, not least, a native American moralistic blood lust that is half historical determinism, and half Freud. –Robert Coughlan
10. The wish of the genuine painter must be more extensive: instead of endeavouring to amuse mankind with the minute neatness of his imitations, he must endeavour to improve them by the grandeur of his ideas; instead of seeking praise, by deceiving the superficial sense of the spectator, he must strive for fame by captivating the imagination. –Sir Joshua Reynolds

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I’ve removed the commas, colons and semicolons from the following sentences. See if you can correctly put them back. One missing punctuation mark is common to all of them–the semicolon. Can you use it properly? Give it a try and send your revisions to me–either as a comment in the blog OR by email to jody@brunerbiz.com. In next month’s newsletter, I’ll post the correctly punctuated sentences and publish a list of everyone who gets it right.

1.  Happiness isn’t something you experience it’s something you remember. –Oscar Levant

2.  I never voted for anyone I always voted against. –W.C. Fields

3.  It is forbidden to kill therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. –Voltaire

4.  To say that we have a clear conscience is to utter a solecism had we never sinned we should have had no conscience. –Thomas Carlyle

5.  Genius consists in a carefully trained highly polished ability a thoughtfully educated unbiased good taste and a willingness to engage in and a persistence to do hard work. –Anonymous

6.  First prize was given to Jane Smervitz Peoria Illinois second prize to Sam Frimpson Duluth Minnesota third prize to Amber Ambleton Oxnard California.

7.  This project appears to be overwhelming nevertheless it can be done.

8.  The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible. –Bertrand Russell

9.  There were other factors too the deadly tedium of small-town life where any change was a relief the nature of current Protestant theology rooted in Fundamentalism and hot with bigotry and not least a native American moralistic blood lust that is half historical determinism and half Freud. –Robert Coughlan

10.  The wish of the genuine painter must be more extensive instead of endeavouring to amuse mankind with the minute neatness of his imitations he must endeavour to improve them by the grandeur of his ideas instead of seeking praise by deceiving the superficial sense of the spectator he must strive for fame by captivating the imagination. –Sir Joshua Reynolds

This quiz is setting up our next newsletter, where Christine and I will be waging the battle of the semicolon. I’ll be sharing all the things I hate about it, and she’ll be expressing her misguided affection for it. Stay tuned.

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The challenge was to transform this negative message into a positive one:

Consider the disadvantages of failing to continue your regular contributions to your child’s Golden Financial RESP plan:

• You lose the advantage of tax sheltered interest an RESP savings plan provides. Interest earned outside an RESP is usually taxable income, which significantly reduces the amount available when your child approaches you for funds to pay for books, food, tuition, bus fare, fees, residence and so on.
• you will not earn the same high rate of return individually as when your funds are pooled in Golden Financial’s 1.6m portfolio
• you lose the $500 Canadian Education Savings Grant for this year.

Thanks to everyone who participated. It was tough to choose—here’s what our panel of judged decided:

First Prize goes to Jennifer Ross, Writer/Editor, Correspondence Unit, Ministry of Training, Colleges and Universities. Jennifer got 3rd prize in our September contest. She rewrites:

This is how you and your child will benefit from regular contributions to a Golden Financial RESP:

• tax sheltered interest—all of the interest you earn will be available for your child’s education
• a high rate of return on your investment—you’ll benefit from pooling your funds in Golden Financial’s $1.6 million portfolio
• the Canadian Education Savings Grant—$500 each year you contribute to the plan

(Okay, I changed the period after RESP to a colon)

Second Prize goes to Ruth Melady, Policy Specialist at the Ontario Government. Ruth received 2nd Prize in our September contest. Her revision:

Consider the advantages of continuing your regular contributions to your child’s Golden Financial RESP plan. You can:

• get the advantage of tax sheltered interest an RESP savings plan provides. This will increase the amount available to pay for books, food, tuition, bus fare, fees, residence and so on.
• earn a higher rate of return by pooling your funds in Golden Financial’s 1.6m portfolio than with individual funds.
• qualify for the $500 Canadian Education Savings Grant for this year.

Third Prize goes to Sonia Gluppe, from the Ministry of Health (notice a theme here?)

By continuing to contribute regularly to your child’s Golden Financial RESP plan:

• you benefit from the advantage of tax sheltered interest an RESP savings plan provides. This significantly increases the amount you will have available when your child approaches you for funds to pay for books, food, tuition, bus fare, fees, residence and so on.
• you will earn a higher rate of return than you could individually
• you will receive the $500  Canadian Education Savings Grant each year

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This month, the challenge is to transform a message that’s written negatively and make it positive:

Consider the disadvantages of failing to continue your regular contributions to your child’s Golden Financial RESP plan:

• you lose the advantage of tax sheltered interest an RESP savings plan provides. Interest earned outside an RESP is usually taxable income, which significantly reduces the amount available when your child approaches you for funds to pay for books, food, tuition, bus fare, fees, residence and so on.
• you will not earn the same high rate of return individually as you can when your funds are pooled in Golden Financial’s 1.6 m portfolio
• you lose the $500 Canadian Education Savings Grant for this year

We’ll keep the contest open until the end of November.

You can post your rewrite in the comments below, or email it to jody@brunerbiz.com. Good luck!

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Last month’s challenge was to rewrite this sentence:

A preliminary design of the works has now been completed and several locations have been identified where existing buried services and utilities must be exposed so that their exact location, elevation and dimensions can be accurately determined.

The main problem with this sentence is that it’s written entirely in the passive voice. We don’t know who is doing what—there are no people. Also, the passive voice gives it a kind of hypnotic quality—makes me want to take a nap.

First Place

to Hilary Bell, who rewrites the sentence in the active voice:

We have completed a preliminary works design to identify which buried utilities and services we need to expose to determine their exact location, elevation and dimensions.

Second Place

Ruth Melady, Policy Specialist at the Ontario Govenment, removed most of the passive voice and adds a personal pronoun

Having completed a preliminary design of the works we note several locations where existing utilities must be exposed to determine exact location, elevation and dimensions.

Third Place

Jennifer Ross–Writer/Editor, Correspondence Unit, Ministry of Training, Colleges and Universities–also removes most of the passive voice. She hasn’t added any personal pronouns, but it’s still a big improvement.

A preliminary survey of the works site has identified several locations where buried services and utilities must be exposed to determine their location, elevation and dimensions.

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Here’s a sentence for you to edit. It’s way too wordy and written completely in the passive voice. See if you can shorten and clarify it:

A preliminary design of the works has now been completed and several locations have been identified where existing buried services and utilities must be exposed so that their exact location, elevation and dimensions can be accurately determined.

Either send your rewrite to me by email at jody@brunerbiz.com or post your response as a comment on the blog. I’ll publish winning entries in next month’s newsletter.

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Thanks to everyone who entered our August ’09 Writing Contest. The challenge was to rewrite this sentence:

“Bidders are advised that only listing experience without providing any supporting data such as; number of projects completed and in progress, the period of the work performed in number of months and years in past and present employment, where and how such experience was obtained will not be considered to be “demonstrated” for the purpose of this evaluation.”

First place goes to Susanna Shankman, Marketing Manager with PricewaterhouseCoopers, who stays true to the original. She makes the passage concise, positive, and easier to understand. The use of a list is also really helpful:

When listing experience, please provide supporting data such as:

• the number of projects completed and in progress;
• the period of the work performed (i.e., the number of months and years, covering both past and present employment); and
• where and how such experience was obtained.

Please note that the list will not be considered for this evaluation, unless bidders include the required supporting data.

Second place goes to Russ Tattersall, Manager, Employee & Labour Relations, Human Resources of The Minto Group. Russ also stayed true to the original content and uses a list to add some clarity.

In order to demonstrate experience for the purposes of this RFP, you must provide supporting information such as:

• Where and how claimed experience was obtained
• Past and current employment periods (years and months)
• Number of projects completed
• Number of projects in progress
• Any other relevant details you believe will substantiate your experience

Third place goes to Larry Vander Schaaf:

Bidders are advised that each item of listed experience must be supported by details which include the following:

• Number of related projects which are either in progress or completed
• Amount of work performed during past and present employment, (measured in months and years)
• Where and how the experience was obtained.

Other prizes:

For getting rid of clutter and redundancy, Yvonne Hess of the Region of Durham:

Bidders must provide details demonstrating their experience. (from 59 words to 7!)

And for making me laugh: Clare Lynch

If you don’t provide full details of your work experience, then your application will go straight in the bin.

And Jim August 21, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Bidders are advised that experience listed without supporting data will not be deemed “demonstrated” and, therefore, not considered for the purpose of this evaluation. Supporting data will include: the number of projects completed and in progress, the duration of each project, the dates and durations of past employment. For other experience, the type and location of training should also be included.

Or, If you can decipher the above and provide the information requested, you’re IN.

I’d provide a link for you, Jim, but I don’t have one!

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