If experience results seem excessive or aberrant compared to historical information, detailed reports may be ordered so that an analysis of the claim components can be completed. We try to determine what is driving the claims in order to proact to potential problem areas. Component information may be detailed in a table or pie graph.

And here’s the brilliant rewrite:

Do you need more information to understand or analyze discrepancies in claims? We can provide this in tables or pie graph format.

Well done!

If experience results seem excessive or aberrant compared to historical information, detailed reports may be ordered so that an analysis of the claim components can be completed. We try to determine what is driving the claims in order to proact to potential problem areas. Component information may be detailed in a table or pie graph.

Either post your rewrite in the comments below, or send them directly to me at jody@brunerbiz.com.  Good luck!

Please find enclosed Uplands Utilities Data Licensing agreements in duplicate for the City of Westland—Traffic Engineering and Operations, Operations and Maintenance Division Public Work Department. We request that all copies be signed and returned to the undersigned. Uplands will execute and return one (1) copy for your records.

We direct you to acknowledge item 10 (a) of the terms and conditions of the agreement and urge that they be communicated and understood by all using the data. We suggest that the practices of record validation to actual site conditions be conducted for public and worker safety. Although not limited to, this is particularly important prior to performing any maintenance and/or responding to any underground street light cable locate requests.

Uplands Utilities Corporation (Uplands) would also note that additions and/or changes to the City of Westland’s (The City) owned street light system may not be available or incorrect on Upland’s data. Loosely defined processes or adherence to them and sporadic or latency of delivery of data are seen as contributors.

Send your rewrites to me directly at jody@brunerbiz.com. Alternatively, you can post them into the comments below. Good luck!

1. Life is far too important a thing to ever talk seriously about.
2. It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
3. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
4. One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
5. Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
6. If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
7. The only thing one never regrets are one’s mistakes.
8. A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

1. Seriously to talk important is ever a far thing about life too.
2. Charming and good people are absurd. To divide either into tedious or bad people is it.
3. Us we are are in at but all some the the stars gutter looking of.
4. The one play cards one winning has always fairly when should.
5. In a sense romance spoils a woman as so much the humour of nothing.
6. To be sure truth tells one later or if one is out the sooner found.
7. The mistakes are never regrets only one’s one thing.
8. The nothing knows of everything and the price value of a man who is a cynic.

From The Game of Words, by Willard R. Espy

Send your responses and I’ll post the winners and the answers in the next newsletter.

First Prize goes to Ruth Melady, Policy Specialist at the Ministry of Municipal Affairs and Housing. Congratulations Ruth! By the way Ruth was a winner in our Oct ’09 contest, and won a prize in Sept 09 as well. Her rewrite is positive, encouraging and reader-centred. Notice how she uses the word ‘you’ to warm up her tone.

There is space on the pylon sign to the east of the entrance for tenants to post temporary notices.

If you require signage in another location for a period of two weeks or less Phil Roche, Senior Sign Approver, can provide you with information on what types of temporary signs may be permitted. Phil will be happy to take your call at 555-1212.

All current, unapproved signs must be removed by September 15, 2010 after which all remaining, unapproved signs will be removed. The cost of removal will be charged to the party that posted the sign.

We appreciate the efforts of the tenants to help keep the premises tidy and attractive for all.

Second Prize goes to Stephanie Turner, a Supervisor at CDS Clearing and Depository Services. Stephanie’s rewrite is friendly, concise and far more positive than the original.

Just a reminder that our lease agreement does not allow for portable signs without prior approval from Phil Roche.  Phil can be contacted at 555-1212.

Approval will be granted for a maximum period of two weeks. As an alternative, you may wish to have your message displayed on the building pylon sign. Space is currently available.

We ask that you remove any unauthorized portable signs by September 15 to avoid being charged for their removal by a third party.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Third prize goes to Jennifer Ross. Jennifer has won more than one prize in our writing contests. She is a Writer/Editor in the Correspondence Unit, Ministry of Training, Colleges and Universities. Her rewrite organizes the information more clearly and concisely, and takes the edge off the original.

As you may be aware, portable signs are not allowed under the building lease agreement.

Therefore, we ask that all portable signs be removed by September 15, 2010. Portable signs not removed by this date will be removed by the management, with costs added to the tenants’ accounts.

After September 15 some portable signs will be allowed if pre-approved by management. Approved signs will be permitted on the property for up to two weeks. Please contact Phil Roche, at 555-1212, to make your requests.

Tenants may also continue to post signs on the building sign pylon.

Subject: Portable Signs

As you are all aware, portable signs are becoming the norm, yet this act stands in blatant contravention of the lease agreement. We are no longer willing to turn a bind eye to this total disregard of the rules and regulations set by the landlord.

We ask that all illegal signs be removed by September 15, 2010. Be aware that any signs found on the property after this date will be removed. All costs incurred in this exercise will be for the account of the offending party.

If you require a portable sign in the future, please contact Phil Roche at 555-1212. Phil will approve signs for a maximum period of two weeks. We remind all tenants that signage is still available on the building pylon sign.

Send your rewrite directly to me by email to jody@brunerbiz.com.

Good luck!

The winners are Kathy Ward AND Jennifer Ross.

I like Kathy’s entry because she uses plain language so well. Notice her use of personal pronouns, which makes the document so easy to read. Here’s Kathy’s entry:

Laboratory Service Agreement

August 19, 2009

Dear Testing Services Laboratory (TSL),

Thank you for agreeing to complete the x, y and z tests for the XXX project between September 1 and December 31, 2009.

Please deliver all the vitamin samples to us for analysis. We will measure them and forward the results to you within five working days.

We will pay you $4,500.00 for set up and then $19.00 per study subject after the first visit. You can expect your first payment within 30 days and then we will make quarterly payments within 30 days of receiving each invoice (December 1, 2009; March 1, 2010; June 1, 2010; September 1, 2010; and December 1, 2010).

If there is any delay in the project, it should not be longer than 60 days. To reconcile any costs due to a delay, please send us a final invoice within seven days after the project is complete, which we will pay within 30 days.

Sincerely,

Healthy Pathways Hospital

Jennifer Ross, the co-winner, did a great job of simplifying the document while keeping all the detail. Her use of lists makes the key information stand out so both parties can clearly see what they are agreeing to.

Laboratory service agreement between Health Pathways Hospital (HPH) and Testing Services Laboratory (TSL), August 19, 2010.

HPH and TSL agree that

• TSL will perform the tests X, Y and Z (see schedule A) for HPH’s YYY Project.
• The project will begin September 1, 2009 and end December 31, 2009 [2010??]. If a delay is necessary, it will not exceed 60 days.
• TLS will deliver the samples to HPH for vitamin analysis. TLS will perform the analysis and forward the results to TLS within five working days.

HPH agrees to pay TSLs

• a setup fee of $4,500 for the assay of ZZZ, payable within 30 days of the agreement completion.
• quarterly payments for measuring ZZZ after HPH completes visit one, at a rate of $19 per study. The payments must be made within 30 days of the following dates: December 1, 2010, March 1, 2010, June 1, 2010, September 1, 2010 and December 1, 2010.
• a reconciliation fee if there is a delay in the project from December 2009 to December 2010. TLS will provide HPH with the invoice within seven days of project completion. HPH must pay the invoice within 30 days.

Laboratory Service Agreement

This agreement made as of the 19th day of August, 2009

Between Healthy Pathways Hospital (hereinafter referred to as Healthy Pathways) and Testing Services Laboratory (herein after referred to as TSL).

WHEREAS Healthy Pathways is desirous to retain and appoint TSL to perform the tests of X, Y, Z (which is more particularly described in attached Schedule A) on the “PROJECT” namely, YYY.

The PROJECT shall commence on September 1, 2009 and complete on December 31, 2009. Both parties agree that in event of delay of the PROJECT is necessary, the said delay shall not be exceeding sixty (60) calendar days.

Healthy Pathways shall be responsible for the measurements of vitamins. Both parties agree that TLS shall deliver all the samples for vitamin analysis to Healthy Pathways. Upon receipt of the said samples from TLS, Healthy Pathways shall forward the results to TLS within five (5) working days.

Healthy Pathways hereby covenants and agrees to pay TLS the service fees as follows:

(a) The setup fee for the assay of ZZZ, in the amount of FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS ($4,500.00) within thirty (30) days after the execution of this agreement.

(b) Healthy Pathways shall make quarterly payment to TLS within thirty (30) calendar days upon receipt of invoice from TLS, for the measurement of ZZZ in the amount of NINETEEN DOLLARS ($19.00) per study subject after completing visit 1.

Quarterly payment shall be defined as December 1, 2009; March 1, 2010; June 1; 2010; September 1, 2010 and December 1, 2010. With respect to services performed for the period from December 2009 to December 2010, and in the event of delay of the PROJECT, TLS whall issue a reconciliation invoice to Healthy Pathways within seven (7) calendar days after completion of the PROJECT, and Healthy Pathways shall make payment to TLS within thirty (30) calendar days.

• Melanie Mohan Senior Coordinator, Registrar’s Office, The Institute of Chartered Accountants of Ontario www.icao.on.ca
  
• Sonia Gluppe, Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, Project Coordinator/Team Lead
• Burl Levine, freelance writer/editor/tutor, levines.inklings@sympatico.ca

Answers

Here are the sentences with punctuation in all the proper places:

1. Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember. –Oscar Levant
2. I never voted for anyone; I always voted against. W.C. Fields
3. It is forbidden to kill; therefore, all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. Voltaire
4. To say that we have a clear conscience is to utter a solecism; had we never sinned, we should have had no conscience. –Thomas Carlyle
5. Genius consists in a carefully trained, highly polished ability; a thoughtfully educated, unbiased good taste; and a willingness to engage in, and a persistence to do hard work.
6. First prize was given to Jane Smervitz, Peoria, Illinois; second prize to Sam Frimpson, Duluth, Minnesota; third prize to Amber Ambleton, Oxnard, California.
7. This project appears to be overwhelming; nevertheless, it can be done.
8. The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible. –Bertrand Russell
9. There were other factors too: the deadly tedium of small-town life, where any change was a relief; the nature of current Protestant theology, rooted in Fundamentalism and hot with bigotry; and, not least, a native American moralistic blood lust that is half historical determinism, and half Freud. –Robert Coughlan
10. The wish of the genuine painter must be more extensive: instead of endeavouring to amuse mankind with the minute neatness of his imitations, he must endeavour to improve them by the grandeur of his ideas; instead of seeking praise, by deceiving the superficial sense of the spectator, he must strive for fame by captivating the imagination. –Sir Joshua Reynolds