Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

When your case goes to trial in court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.