Posts Tagged ‘writing contest’

This email is sick, and not in a good way. Its tone does nothing to encourage my compliance. Instead it makes me angry. Try rewriting it—make it positive, reader centred, friendly and persuasive.

Subject: Portable Signs

As you are all aware, portable signs are becoming the norm, yet this act stands in blatant contravention of the lease agreement. We are no longer willing to turn a bind eye to this total disregard of the rules and regulations set by the landlord.

We ask that all illegal signs be removed by September 15, 2010. Be aware that any signs found on the property after this date will be removed. All costs incurred in this exercise will be for the account of the offending party.

If you require a portable sign in the future, please contact Phil Roche at 555-1212. Phil will approve signs for a maximum period of two weeks. We remind all tenants that signage is still available on the building pylon sign.

Send your rewrite directly to me by email to jody@brunerbiz.com.

Good luck!

Thanks to everyone who entered the contest. You all got some of the answers right. Congratulations to the winners, who got ALL the answers right:

• Melanie Mohan Senior Coordinator, Registrar’s Office, The Institute of Chartered Accountants of Ontario www.icao.on.ca
  
• Sonia Gluppe, Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, Project Coordinator/Team Lead
• Burl Levine, freelance writer/editor/tutor, levines.inklings@sympatico.ca

Answers

Here are the sentences with punctuation in all the proper places:

1. Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember. –Oscar Levant
2. I never voted for anyone; I always voted against. W.C. Fields
3. It is forbidden to kill; therefore, all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. Voltaire
4. To say that we have a clear conscience is to utter a solecism; had we never sinned, we should have had no conscience. –Thomas Carlyle
5. Genius consists in a carefully trained, highly polished ability; a thoughtfully educated, unbiased good taste; and a willingness to engage in, and a persistence to do hard work.
6. First prize was given to Jane Smervitz, Peoria, Illinois; second prize to Sam Frimpson, Duluth, Minnesota; third prize to Amber Ambleton, Oxnard, California.
7. This project appears to be overwhelming; nevertheless, it can be done.
8. The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible. –Bertrand Russell
9. There were other factors too: the deadly tedium of small-town life, where any change was a relief; the nature of current Protestant theology, rooted in Fundamentalism and hot with bigotry; and, not least, a native American moralistic blood lust that is half historical determinism, and half Freud. –Robert Coughlan
10. The wish of the genuine painter must be more extensive: instead of endeavouring to amuse mankind with the minute neatness of his imitations, he must endeavour to improve them by the grandeur of his ideas; instead of seeking praise, by deceiving the superficial sense of the spectator, he must strive for fame by captivating the imagination. –Sir Joshua Reynolds

Here’s a sentence I came across last week in an RFP. I was itching to rewrite it for clarity and correctness. Instead, I’ll let you try it:

“Bidders are advised that only listing experience without providing any supporting data such as; number of projects completed and in progress, the period of the work performed in number of months and years in past and present employment, where and how such experience was obtained will not be considered to be “demonstrated” for the purpose of this evaluation.”

You can submit your rewrite as a comment in the blog or send it to me by email at jody@brunerbiz.com.