Thanks to everyone who entered our August ’09 Writing Contest. The challenge was to rewrite this sentence:

“Bidders are advised that only listing experience without providing any supporting data such as; number of projects completed and in progress, the period of the work performed in number of months and years in past and present employment, where and how such experience was obtained will not be considered to be “demonstrated” for the purpose of this evaluation.”

First place goes to Susanna Shankman, Marketing Manager with PricewaterhouseCoopers, who stays true to the original. She makes the passage concise, positive, and easier to understand. The use of a list is also really helpful:

When listing experience, please provide supporting data such as:

• the number of projects completed and in progress;
• the period of the work performed (i.e., the number of months and years, covering both past and present employment); and
• where and how such experience was obtained.

Please note that the list will not be considered for this evaluation, unless bidders include the required supporting data.

Second place goes to Russ Tattersall, Manager, Employee & Labour Relations, Human Resources of The Minto Group. Russ also stayed true to the original content and uses a list to add some clarity.

In order to demonstrate experience for the purposes of this RFP, you must provide supporting information such as:

• Where and how claimed experience was obtained
• Past and current employment periods (years and months)
• Number of projects completed
• Number of projects in progress
• Any other relevant details you believe will substantiate your experience

Third place goes to Larry Vander Schaaf:

Bidders are advised that each item of listed experience must be supported by details which include the following:

• Number of related projects which are either in progress or completed
• Amount of work performed during past and present employment, (measured in months and years)
• Where and how the experience was obtained.

Other prizes:

For getting rid of clutter and redundancy, Yvonne Hess of the Region of Durham:

Bidders must provide details demonstrating their experience. (from 59 words to 7!)

And for making me laugh: Clare Lynch

If you don’t provide full details of your work experience, then your application will go straight in the bin.

And Jim August 21, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Bidders are advised that experience listed without supporting data will not be deemed “demonstrated” and, therefore, not considered for the purpose of this evaluation. Supporting data will include: the number of projects completed and in progress, the duration of each project, the dates and durations of past employment. For other experience, the type and location of training should also be included.

Or, If you can decipher the above and provide the information requested, you’re IN.

I’d provide a link for you, Jim, but I don’t have one!