Last month’s challenge was to rewrite this sentence:

A preliminary design of the works has now been completed and several locations have been identified where existing buried services and utilities must be exposed so that their exact location, elevation and dimensions can be accurately determined.

The main problem with this sentence is that it’s written entirely in the passive voice. We don’t know who is doing what—there are no people. Also, the passive voice gives it a kind of hypnotic quality—makes me want to take a nap.

First Place

to Hilary Bell, who rewrites the sentence in the active voice:

We have completed a preliminary works design to identify which buried utilities and services we need to expose to determine their exact location, elevation and dimensions.

Second Place

Ruth Melady, Policy Specialist at the Ontario Govenment, removed most of the passive voice and adds a personal pronoun

Having completed a preliminary design of the works we note several locations where existing utilities must be exposed to determine exact location, elevation and dimensions.

Third Place

Jennifer Ross–Writer/Editor, Correspondence Unit, Ministry of Training, Colleges and Universities–also removes most of the passive voice. She hasn’t added any personal pronouns, but it’s still a big improvement.

A preliminary survey of the works site has identified several locations where buried services and utilities must be exposed to determine their location, elevation and dimensions.

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